19 April 2013

1:50pm

Date after date, relationship after relationship. And by “date” I mean persons of interest, getting to know someone. At times I felt like its the same story over and over. At times I felt as if I needed someone to call “boo”. At times I felt like we’re all supposed to be in a relationship. Other times I envied the relationships of those around me. But then eventually it hit me, I don’t “need” a relationship, I simply wanted someone to call my own. In the beginning of a few my “relationships”, all was and seemed to be the most amazing, of course. Then as time went on, more came to light. The attitudes, the demands, the neediness, the jealousy, the secret conversations with another man or the other men. Yes, we’ve all been guilty in a relationship at some point, admit it or not. I’m a natural flirt, yes I’ve had flirtatious conversation while in a relationship, but I’ve never gone to the point of cheating. By cheating I mean sexual relation. Kissed, yes I have in my past. One thing I can say is that was a very rare action for me and it only happened in the moment. The moment where someone gave me the attention and mental connection that my lover wasn’t providing. No, there is no excuse or reason to step outside of your relationship. I was wrong, most definitely. I can say that that will never happen again. Knowing that someone did the same to me that I did to them or another, hurts.

Finding letters that your lover wrote to their ex that is in jail, text messages to other men on Valentine’s Day not to mention they were sent while you’re on a date, lies of who they’re spending Valentine’s Day with or how they wish they were cooking named for another man. Then having your best friend text you after spotting the one you’re supposed to be dating, kissing another man at the bar, where you’re a regular, after your “date” randomly stopped speaking to you leaving you in the dark.

Then you finally find someone who actually will go on a “date”, not just one. You begin to feel like it could go somewhere, then once again, you’re left high and dry. Even after you’ve informed this person of how you’ve been treated and hurt in the past, yet they do the same exact thing the previous joker did. Its like a never ending vinyl record. At this point you decide you’re giving up. Tired of the never ending patterns. Sick of the constant games of pain. All the sweet talking was just what its called, sweet talk. Building a very tall and thick wall around your heart like Alcatraz, making it difficult for the next, who may be the one to relieve your heart, to get in. So you find yourself lonely, scared of love, can’t trust anyone, slightly bitter possibly. Each time you’ve tried to lower the wall you’ve built, another gives you more reason to build it back up, but even thicker. Subconsciously holding on to your past hurt, but you argue that you don’t let your past affect your present or future. 

Let’s rewind…

There’s that one lover, everything between you is pure bliss. Nothing but love, affection, joy, smiles, support, both working on your careers, bettering and pushing each other. Then suddenly, one begins to have doubts. Schedules begin to conflict meaning time together becomes less, so they want to separate saying they don’t think they’ll be as good of a lover anymore. At first response you play the “I understand” role. Then a day later you think about it, you’ve worked too hard to let this one go that easy. So you’re back together, making due with what you can. Then one day, your lover goes to the doctor, only to find out that they have been blessed with an incurable gift. Mind you, you’ve been together for the past 5-6 months and you know for a fact that you’re not blessed, so your mind begins to wonder and questions begin to fly. So now you find yourself sitting in the doctor’s office, patiently, but nervously waiting to be called back to have your testing conducted. You’re a regular, every 3-6 months you have your routine testing just to have a peace of mind. The test is completed, 20 minutes of waiting and you’re results are in, HIV/AIDS negative. Now it takes another week for STD/STI results to come back, still patiently but nervously waiting. For an entire week, you’re a nervous wreck. On that Wednesday afternoon, hanging out with your cousin, as soon as you come above ground out of the Metro, your cellular device rings, it’s the clinic. The man on the other end of the phone says, “Your test results came back positive for Gonorrhea”. Instantly your world comes to a screeching holt in the middle of the crosswalk at about 7th or 8th and F St. NW, Washington, DC at approximately 4pm eastern standard time. You’ve been sexually active for 5-6 years and not once have you ever been blessed with any form of sexually transmitted disease/infection. Instantly, you shut down for hours, complete silence.  Thoughts of “How could this happen to me, one of the safest people I know?” Thoughts of “Were they really cheating on me with that man they claimed to be an old good friend that I came home from work and found them in the bedroom watching and laughing at a movie?” So now you’re on the phone asking questions to your lover, supposed. You don’t believe anything they say. With your knowledge of HIV/AIDS and STD/STIs, you know their story doesn’t add up. Now you’re the one with doubts, legitimately. You’re done, no more questions asked. You spend the remainder of your day and night drinking, crying, smoking cigarette after cigarette. “Can’t believe this happened to ME” is all you’re thinking. Needless to say, that relationship ended instantly. You get home, order the first available Greyhound ticket, and escape without notice for two weeks. At this point, you’re done with love and dating. 

Fast forward, back on track…

So you’ve come to grips with all your past situations, learned to be alone, and working on you. You’re ready to try again, but still timid about jumping back out there. You meet someone, via social network, who happens to be a previous customer of your’s from the club (Did I mention I am a Bartender?). They’re an amazing person from the jump. Independent, good job, just your preferred type. Also scorned from their past, but you both understand what’s happening here. Here’s the catch, you’re moving out-of-state in two months, but moving to their hometown. Once again, you feel this will be another let down. You’re willing to do what needs to be done because the feelings are mutual. On the other hand, one isn’t too sure. Yet, you’re remaining positive and hopeful and going after what you want.

One thing about Leo’s, when we truly want something, we go get it. Yes we are loyal, despite our flaws, but at the end of the day we’ll always protect our kingdom.

“Love Life Of A Leo”

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